From the Inside

So, we've established that to be masters of our domain, to be masters of the Internet, we need to practice moving in and out, via ERRoR.   I have recommended a timer.  And I have heard you say that you ignore the timer.  Sometimes I do too.  Sometimes I'm sorry, and sometimes I know that it was the right thing to do.  "Rules are made to be broken," said my father the military man.  

But how do you know when you are on a fruitful exploration, and when you are addicted and need an external force to rip you away?  From the inside.  You know by paying attention to your whole being.  It really helps to have a meditation practice, but whether or not you formally meditate, getting to know your body and how it sends signals is the key to wisdom.  And happiness.  Actually, mostly happiness.  Because one of the agonies of modern life is that nagging sense that maybe I should be doing something else.  

Something else?  Or this?  Here you are, reading this essay.  What are you feeling?  Can you locate a sense of curiosity and openness?  Where did you find it?  Are you thinking you should be doing the dishes instead?   Are you looking for something in particular?  Did you find it or are you still looking?  Are you comfortable with the uncertainty or are you seeking closure?

Pay attention to that seeking closure.  For me it is a sense of restlessness in my abdomen, my breath hovering above my navel, suspended for moments at a time as I hope, again and again, that this could be it.  My mind is responding to my body by attaching itself to this or that idea, beckoning me to explore--here! here is the answer!   My body is responding to my mind with a jumpy clenching, leaning forward, my neck leading the way.  At some point I might get up, pace, snack, return to the screen.  Repeated experience with this condition educates me that it will not end well.  There is no satisfaction for this need, no filling of this emptiness.   This is what addiction feels like.

You can get all personal here, and notice what exactly this is a placeholder for.  But I don't think it matters that much.   You probably won't solve the problem this afternoon.  What you need, though, is to be able to make space for it--allow it to be there without acting on it.  Can you tolerate the empty feeling?  Even if you think you can't, you can.  You already do on occasion.  While you wash the dishes, or your hair, or sweep the floor, your mind might be wandering comfortably or it might just be resting on your actions.  This is why I believe manual labor is essential to re-introduce into modern life.  But, ok, even if you hire a cleaning professional, I'm sure you engage in some activities that require diverse focus.  

Diverse focus is the bridge to emptiness.  Being able to tolerate emptiness means you are able to make wise decisions about which direction to take in each moment.  When you can simultaneously attend to your deep intentions and your particular momentary responses, what resonates with you and why, then you have a trustworthy compass.  Using all the information, not just the shiny bit that our corporate Owners want you to see, you can decide where to put your sharper focus.   

After all, you're in charge here.